After spending 10 plus years trying to make something of music, I ended up taking a long sabbatical. It started out having less time for it with a new job and a new relationship. Now it is a struggle to return to it and I have been rattling my head as to why I am so scared. I think I found my answer this week.
My cousin announced a book he’s been working on for a while that is now published and available to buy. He hopes to make it into a movie one day. This is one of my dearest cousins and I am so proud of him. And while I’m truly happy to see the support the rest of the family has given, there’s a part of me that couldn’t help but compare.
I hate being a jealous kind of person but if I’m being honest (and here I have to be) I reflected on ten years of working my ass off and never feeling that kind of support. I remember getting facebook likes or getting people to view my youtube videos was like pulling teeth. Getting people to come to shows was like asking them to travel to Japan for lunch.
I remember doing an IndieGoGo campaign to fund my first EP. I was so excited and really planned ahead. I had some fun things to give out to people who donated, and obviously they would get a copy of the CD. I thought my music reflected my best work to date, and I went out of comfort zones to email, talk to people, go to other peoples’ shows. My campaign went on for 3 months. I emailed everyone I knew, sent out reminders, did my own shows to promote. I got two donations.
My point of this post is not to complain about this incident. It’s for me to finally confront my fears. I think I hung up my microphone for a while after that because I remember how much I worked, how much I paid, and I still felt like my voice wasn’t worth listening to. Being a sensitive ChiGirl, it can be hard to roll with the punches. It is hard to get back up when you feel like you’ve fallen and not a soul has noticed.
What if my voice (physical and metophorical) is just not that special?
Sometimes I think, what is the point? What is the point of speaking at all when no one really cares? Why write when no one is reading? Why sing when no one is listening?
But sometimes it is only when you confront these fears and insecurities, then we can begin to overcome them. So this is just me thinking out loud today. And I say to myself, and to you all, that I will return to my music. One day I will find the strength to put myself out there again without fear of rejection. But at least, for now, I have ChiGirl. And I will continue to write because maybe, just maybe, someone out there is listening. Maybe there are others out there who feel unheard. Perhaps some of us are just makers of quiet, beautiful symphonies that have fallen on deaf ears. But that does mean it is not worth hearing. It just means they are missing out. And those who can hear the music are special.
And I would like to take a moment to thank my special people. Those of you who have followed my blog, commented and liked my posts, and have repsonded to my comments. To my person who reads every post I send him and gives me his opinions and notes. I truly appreciate all of your acknowledgment. It makes me hopeful that maybe I’m not completely invisible after all. 🙂